I haven't been on a date in awhile. I promise it's not for lack of trying. I've been scouring my dating site in search of interesting profiles, with little luck. I try not to be judgmental -- after all, I wasn't getting many virtual winks until my wonderful readers helped me polish up my profile. But a lot of the women online are making very basic mistakes that instantly turn off most guys. Here are the four most common offenses:

1. Don't pose for pictures. When checking out the photos on a dating profile, I always remind myself that I'm seeing the subject at her absolute best. And that's OK -- it only makes sense to put up your most flattering photos. But I hate it when women do that pouty, Blue Steel thing whenever someone pulls out a camera. A funny candid shot goes a lot further with me.

2. Don't complain about the last guy. Too many women (and maybe men?) use their profile to complain about former dates. For instance, there was a cute blonde girl who almost got a message from me until I read the following: "No vegans, uber- hipsters or pervs. No exceptions." Uh, OK. I'm none of the above, but she sounds a little bitter, no?

3. Don't overshare. While I instantly skip profiles that only feature one photo and a few uninformative scraps of personal information, there's something to be said for a little mystery. I'm talking to you, Ms. 915-Words. A few choice lines from her unreal profile:

"I'm a yungian (sp) INFP personality type... an introvert with an exhibitionist and loquasious (sp) side... I LOOK MUCH BETTER IN PERSON, AND NORMALLY DRESS MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN IN THESE PHOTOs... I'm very CURVACEOUS (back n'front...like jlo- but not puerto rican or short)... I have a collection of almost 200 books, many of which I have read, poured (sp) over, and highlighted."

And she even has a poem:

"You'd look good in denim and a t-shirt, and be some sort of perfect combination of blue collar and white collar. You're someone who still knows what it means to be a man. Maybe I could watch you work on cars in the summer, while I sip on ice cold pink lemonade by the window, in a dress, of course."

4. Don't make your pet a focal point. I get it -- you care very much for Mr. Snugglebuttons, and it's important for your guy to also be an animal lover. Fair enough. But take it too far and I begin to wonder if you're looking for a boyfriend or someone to clean the litter box.